What is TMS?
Pain that can be severe and debilitating in the muscles, tendons, ligaments and nerves of the lower back, buttocks, legs and sometimes neck, shoulders and other parts of the body. Dr. John Sarno theorizes that TMS is a defensive reaction of the mind to prevent expression of repressed rage and anxiety and that the pain is created when blood flow to the tissues is restricted by the autonomic nervous system.
------ From the TMS Help Forum
"The most important factor in recovery is that the person must be made aware of
what is going on...information...is the 'penicillin' for this disorder."
------ Healing Back Pain by John E. Sarno, M.D.
I guess I should start where my chronic back pain began in 2006. Although, my pain associated with TMS goes back farther.
It was late summer of 2006 and I woke up in my hotel room with a stiff neck. I'm an airline pilot and I spend a lot of time in hotel rooms. As the morning progressed, my neck became so stiff I could barely rotate my head from side to side or up to down. After a week of this, I thought I should go see my doctor. Maybe he could help relieve my pain. Before and during this neck pain, I was going through a very stressful time in my life. I had a major confrontation at work that really upset me. Also, I was in the process of completing paperwork to purchase some additional property in a land development. I was worried about whether I was making the right decision. It turns out I bought this property just before the housing prices crashed. It's not a coincidence that my neck and back pain emerged during this stressful time period in my life. This is where the story begins and my journey through countless doctors, remedies, and procedures to fix my pain.
I went to the doctor and he suggested ice, rest, a muscle relaxer, physical therapy, home exercises and a weird contraption for my neck. BTW, this is not a picture of me. I guess this was supposed to pull on my neck and relieve spinal compression?
My doctor is a D.O. so, he did a manipulation on my neck. The physical therapy was done in his office which consisted of lying on an electronic massage table with heat packs applied to my neck. I did this 3 times a week for a couple weeks.
This was no help so, he took X-rays and sent me to a doctor who dealt with pain management. This next doctor prescribed a muscle relaxer and requested an MRI.
After waiting more than a month to schedule the MRI and get the results back, I finally went back to the pain management doctor. By this time, my pain had now spread into the thoracic area of my back. I was told I had 2 disc herniations, degenerative discs, some arthritis, spinal stenosis, and mild scoliosis. The doctor wanted to set up an appointment to have epidural injections. I didn't like dealing with this doctor. He wasn't very personable and his staff wasn't any better.
My Father was going through some back and neck pain so, I went to see his pain management doctor. My Mother was going through some back pain at the same time too. This was probably social contagion related for me. My father's doctor suggested a 3 part series of epidural injections. I think I received the injections over a 3 month period. I got minor relief from this.
My neck pain was a little better but, I had major pain in the thoracic area. I always thought it was related to that stupid neck contraption thing but, now I know better. TMS loves to move the pain around as one area feels better. The pain management doctor suggested we look into surgery and I was not a big fan of this. So, he suggested some sort of nerve ablation procedure to relieve the pain. This scared me and I went back to seek advice from my primary doctor...the D.O. He was not a fan of the nerve ablation procedure either. But, he did suggest we look into surgery. I told him I would think about it.
I was in major pain and I needed relief. I had a lot of pain when I was sitting especially, when working. Sometimes I had 12 hour days of sitting. If I had a 4 day trip, it was a major struggle for me to make it to the 4th day. I was having trouble sleeping because of the pain and I was calling in sick for work a lot. I couldn't play golf any more and hiking was difficult. Basically, any activity that I had done in the past was a struggle for me to do now. It had been about a year since my pain began and I was about to go crazy. The thought actually crossed my mind to take medical leave from work. I became really depressed because my social life was suffering and I couldn't do the activities that I used to do.
My mother was going to a chiropractor and I've always thought chiropractors were a bunch of bullshit artists but, I was willing to do anything minus having surgery.
I was skeptical but, went to talk to this chiropractor. He went through his spiel and tried to convince me about the advantages of having chiropractic adjustments. Just like any other doctor, I filled out the medical forms about any illness or symptoms I've had in the past or am currently having. This is a long list and is so typical of TMS symptoms. Here are my symptoms: IBS, duodenal ulcer, TMJ, tinnitus, migraine headaches, tension headaches, cervical neck pain, thoracic back pain, lumbar back pain (developed later), hip pain (developed later), psoriasis, wrist tendonitis (developed later), toe joint pain (developed later), dry eyes, and social anxiety. He said some of my other problems might improve after receiving the adjustments. I thought, whatever just fix my freaking back. He did the adjustments, suggested ice when needed, cervical traction at his office, and exercises at home. After two months, I still had major pain especially at work. But, my IBS was drastically reduced and my dry eyes were a lot better too. I was happy about that. The good thing about this chiropractor is he was very involved about other things besides just doing manipulations and seeing his next patient. He wanted details about posture, exercise, eating habits, etc. He would provide advice about other ways to heal my back besides just manipulations. He wanted me to take a picture of my posture and how I sat during work.
So, I took the picture for him and brought it to the next appointment. We discussed a better way for me to sit at work. Once I adjusted my posture, I received moderate improvements in my pain but, I still dealt with a lot of pain at work. After learning about TMS, my conclusion is that most of this was just a placebo effect.
The chiropractor cleared me to start lifting weights again but he said, "go slooowwwww with it."
I laugh about this now because of all the wrong things I've been told about my back. My back is strong and healthy. There have been studies done on people with no pain but, they have MRI's that reveal bulges, herniations, degenerative disease, arthritis, etc. These things have nothing whatsoever to do with pain!!
Look at these studies done about MRI's and back pain. Anyways, I was cleared to lift weights again. By this time, I had lost a lot of weight because my appetite was severely reduced because of the pain. Nope, not a picture of me. :)
My normal weight is 165 pounds and at that time I weighed about 145. Finally, I got back in the gym and it felt good to lift weights again. I was feeling a lot better and after a few months my weight was back to normal. But, I was still having pain and mostly sitting and mostly at work. Around this time, I was due to have another round of X-rays from my chiropractor. Chiropractors love to take X-rays and compare them to previous X-rays to show you how your back is getting more aligned.
He compared the X-rays and said, "see it's becoming more aligned." I said, "but I still have a lot of pain." He said "Yes, sometimes people with perfectly aligned spines have pain and sometimes people with abnormally aligned spines have no pain." He said, "I don't know why." I didn't know why either but, I do now. It's called T....M.....S!!!!!
I continued to lift weights and I started to get a tendonitis like feeling in my wrists. I was still dealing with a lot of back pain but, it was getting better. As the back pain became less, the wrist pain increased. Also, I started to develop pain in my big toes. It's no coincidence that I remember my grandmother talking about surgery she had to help with her big toe pain.
The doctor told her that her toes are crooked and this led to her pain and having surgery. She looked at my toes and said "yes you got that from me. It's hereditary"...Actually, it's a TMS social contagion. Anyways, I had to stop lifting weights because the wrist pain was so intense. My plan was to stop lifting weights until my wrists got better.
Around this same time, I developed lower back problems. I was at my sister's house playing with her kids on the trampoline and I felt a twinge of pain in my lower back.
Immediately, I stopped and went inside the house to rest. The pain became more and more intense. I went to see the chiropractor the next day. It was hard to lay down on my stomach, walk, or sleep. He took some X-rays and said, "Bad news. There's a bulged disc in your lower back." I said "Great, from a trampoline?" He seemed confused too. He said, "I guess we just missed seeing that on the other X-rays." I said, "But, why wasn't I getting pain then?" I know why. It's called T.M.S.!!! When I stopped lifting weights to let my wrists heal, my back problems became worse. Can you see the pattern here? As one pain area decreases, TMS seeks out another area to produce pain. I've read about this from so many other TMS victims.
Around this same time the stock market took a major nose dive, the housing prices continued to drop(there goes my land development investment and all my money), and there was talk the airline I worked for was in severe financial trouble. Later, I found out the airline was within 90 days of going out of business. There was major stress going on in my life at the time I developed my lower back problems.
On a side note, I always had this weird pain just below and in between the breastbone. My chiropractor was always confused about where this pain was located. He wanted me to go see a regular doctor but, I'd already been to a regular doctor so, I thought it was a waste of time. Today, I know it's a symptom caused by TMS. My chiropractor wanted me to try message therapy to see if that might help.
I gave it a try but, I never got any radical improvement from this. I felt good that same day of the massage and always had the same pain the next day or day after. Massage therapy, among many other things, have always been temporary relief for me. The massage therapist recommended ice and home exercises (sound familiar?). There's no way I would have enough time in a day to do all the exercises and everything the chiropractor and massage therapist wanted me to do. These medical professionals said it was a good idea to do this so, I did it. I spent months and years and tons of money giving massage therapy a good try.
Now it was 2009 and I'd been suffering for 2 years. I was about to deal with one of the most stressful times of my life. I was back in the gym again lifting weights. Also, I went to the chiropractor and massage therapist every 2 weeks or whenever I needed it. I still had pain but, I believed I was getting better and that I was on the right track. I just started dating this woman so, it was very early in our relationship. We went hiking for our 4th date.
I was driving and I was about to make a left hand turn into the park where we were going to hike. I was looking to the left to see where the entrance to the park was. Down the road ahead of me a car had slowed to turn into a driveway. Farther down the road ahead of that car was a sharp curve and a car was speeding around the curve coming towards us. Right before I made the left hand turn, I glanced to the right to see if any cars were coming. The car turning into the driveway blocked my view of the car speeding around the curve. I turned left and the speeding car struck my car on the passenger side where my date, Leslie was sitting. My car spun around a full circle and a half and we hit a guardrail. The guardrail probably saved our lives because there was a 20 foot drop off beyond that. The car would have rolled and there's no telling what would have happened. After the car came to a stop, I was dazed and slightly injured. I had a cut on my face and a fractured rib. I could hear Leslie moaning in pain. After I opened my door and got out of the car, I saw that my car had smacked into the guardrail. On her side, the car was hanging off the edge of the dropoff. The car could roll down that dropoff at any moment. Thankfully, the park ranger had a truck. He tied a chain from his truck to my car in case it decided to move. Leslie had some bad injuries. She had 6 broken ribs, a punctured lung, a lacerated kidney, a chipped tooth, a broken pelvis, and she was bleeding internally. The paramedics were discussing whether they should bring in the life flight helicopter. I was devastated and I knew it was all my fault. The paramedics wanted to look me over and get me to the hospital but, I told them to leave me alone. All I cared about was how Leslie was doing. She spent two weeks in the hospital and I visited her every day. But, I don't think she could ever trust me again. She ended our relationship soon after she left the hospital. I don't blame her for that. We don't talk anymore but, I heard she has fully recovered from her injuries. This was my actual car.
I had some problems dealing with guilt because the accident was my fault. Believe it or not my back pain was not severe during this time. Most pain was concentrated on my rib injury. Maybe I didn't have back pain because my mind had focused all the pain on my rib injury which was intense. I had so much guilt that I became really depressed. My family and friends were worried about me. Some of them suggested I seek out therapy to deal with the guilt. So, that's what I did.
I went to 2 therapists and the third try I found one I was comfortable with. I'm still going today. I've learned a lot about myself from therapy. My therapist is not a TMS therapist but, she's willing to learn about it. Since my diagnosis of TMS/MBS, I've really seen the correlation between my childhood, emotions, and my physical TMS symptoms.
After the accident, I stopped lifting weights again. When I went back to work I started to develop the same back pain and other TMS symptoms.
A short time later, I switched chiropractors because the one I was seeing was not covered under my insurance. I was paying big bucks to see him. The new chiropractor was big on nutrition. He is a strict vegan. So, I tried the vegan diet. I was willing to do just about anything to make the back pain go away. This lasted a few months. I'm sorry, I like meat and cheese.
At this point, I had been dealing with pain for almost 4 years and I had enough. I decided to fight my back pain with a vengeance. I used everything I knew to get rid of this. I wrote down how I would accomplish this: chiropractor, message therapy, eat healthy, lift weights, cardio, stretching exercises. I did all of this and still I had chronic pain and some episodes of acute pain. It seemed the acute pain problems became more frequent and more severe. My next remedy....Bikram Yoga. I tried 4 sessions of that and it made my pain even worse. This picture is definitely not me.
A friend of mine had some success seeing a physiatrist. So, I set up an appointment to see him. I really didn't learn anything new with this doctor. First he sent me to a physical therapist for manipulation, heated treatments, and home exercises.....umm.....I think I heard this all before. Next, we did some trigger point injections. That seemed to help but, it didn't last long. Then, the physiatrist mentioned the McKenzie exercises. I spent some time on the internet researching this and came across "The McKenzie Method" book on Amazon. It was a book that highlighted and condensed just about everything I had learned from 2006 about the back. When I saw the McKenzie book on Amazon I came across another book called "Healing Back Pain" by Dr. Sarno. It had really high customer ratings. I thought, "I'll have to read that because it has such high ratings." But, I was locked into learning the McKenzie exercises. That's what my Doctor wanted me to do so, I'll do it. I took time off from work for 4 weeks to concentrate on these exercises. I felt a little better and near the end of the 4 weeks, I started to read the customer reviews about Dr. Sarno's book. The more I read the more I thought, "these people have the exact same thing as I do. I need to read this book." Many people have said the exact same thing I'm about to say. "As I read the book, I felt like Dr. Sarno was describing my symptoms." I was a little skeptical because how could all of these medical professionals be wrong? I don't think they're totally wrong. They just don't know any better. They're using what they know and what they were taught to make the pain go away. They have good intentions but, the wrong direction.
I did some research and found some good websites and links:
TMS Help Forum,
Dr. Schubiner's website,
TMS wiki,
20/20 interview with Dr. Sarno,
Howard Stern's interview with Dr. Sarno and
Dr. Sarno's website.
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Dr. Sarno
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Dr. Schubiner
I read through the book "Healing Back Pain" and I was almost 100% sure I have TMS. But, I wanted to be 100% sure. I looked around to see if there were any TMS MD's in my area. There were none. I read that Dr. Schubiner was in Michigan not far from the Detroit Airport. I called him to make an appointment and he was very nice. I described my symptoms to him on the phone and he said, "What do you need me for?" I said, "I guess I just need confirmation that I have TMS/MBS." He said, "Ok, when do you want to make an appointment?" I made an appointment and I flew up to Michigan the following week. He spent about 2.5 hours with me. We talked about my childhood, family, stressors past and present, symptoms and how it all relates. He talked a lot about what I already knew from what I read about in his book and Dr. Sarno's books. There was a long questionnaire form that I filled out before going to see him. It took some time and thought to fill it out completely and do it right. He did a short physical exam to rule out anything major. Also, he looked at my MRI reports, Xray reports, and recent medical records. I think it was well worth it and helped to solidify that I have TMS/MBS and that I can and will cure myself.
My childhood was not all that bad. Compared to some others with TMS it was very mild to say the least. But, there were some issues that had a major impact on the way I think and react. Picture not me.
My Father is a recovering alcoholic. He can be a real jerk sometimes and it's possible he's bipolar. I was raised in a way where it was difficult for me to express my emotions. Although, I was taught good things: treat others the way you want to be treated, good morals, respect for others, work hard, make good grades, etc. However, I was not taught how to deal with emotions. In fact, I learned to internalize my emotions to deal with confrontations or issues. My Father has no patience and he has a short temper. He used intimidation to keep us in line. We did not talk back to him. When we were kids we were afraid of him. If there was something that was uncomfortable, we didn't talk about it. I guess you could say that was our family motto.
My Mother is a non confrontational person and I guess I learned that from her. She tries to avoid fights with my Father. When he's a jerk she usually just takes it and doesn't cause any waves. I learned that from her too and that's how I deal with issues today; I usually avoid them.
We were not the type of family to say, "I love you" very often. At least, I didn't hear it much. I rarely heard it from my Mother and I can't say I ever heard it from my Father until he was in rehab (my age was 23). My Father and I said it to each other some when he was in rehab but, I think I always said it first. Today, my Father and I never say it to each other. My Mother says it to me now but, not so much when I was a child.
When I was 15, my first girlfriend couldn't understand why I couldn't tell her that I love her. I couldn't because: 1) I was 15 years old and 2) I never said that to anyone before. Eventually, she taught me how to say it without feeling uncomfortable. She was a great first girlfriend. Ok, I admit this is not a picture of my first girlfriend. I can dream, can't I?
Today, I'm feeling good improvement. Work has been more comfortable. Normally, I use a lumbar support at work. For the first time in a long time I didn't use it this last week. Dr. Schubiner says, "Use it if it makes you feel more comfortable but, try to get rid of it." Dr. Sarno would say, "just get rid of it." But, I think I have to decide what's right for me.
Speaking of lumbar supports; I've spent a ton of money on sleeping pillows, neck pillows, lumbar supports, cervical supports, seat cushions, etc. Now I have to find a way to get rid of all of this stuff. I won't be needing them anymore!
I hiked 3 miles the other day and two days later hiked 6 miles with not much pain. I think self talk is critical and I've been trying to say good things to myself. I'm not 100% better but, I'm moving in that direction. I'm working through Dr. Schubiner's workbook and it seems like a good fit for me. My therapist is getting the workbook so, she can follow along and learn with me. I'm on the road to recovery and I'll get there soon.
