I read two TMS forums and I came across a post that really made me realize that I'm trying to be too perfect about my recovery. Also, my therapist said, "Is it ok if you're not 100% pain free....maybe 95%?" In addition, some posts that I've made on TMS help forum, others have indicated and I have indicated that I'm trying to be too perfect about this. I don't think it's realistic to be 100% pain free all the time. We're human and we have pains from time to time. Here's the post:
Friday, March 30, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
The Continuing Saga
Here I am about a month later. To be honest, I have not kept up with exactly how long it's been since I learned about TMS. All the books say, "Don't worry about tracking how long it's taking to be healed. That will make it take longer to heal." So, I'm not really keeping track of the length of time it's taking to heal.
However, I know I'm still improving every day. I'm getting closer and closer to 100% and I know it's a matter of time before I get there. I'm confident I will reach 100% pain free. I wish I was one of those that read Dr. Sarno's book and was immediately healed but, I know I still have some work to do in my head. That's ok.
I'm still working through Dr. Schubiner's workbook. He says, "Take your time with this and don't make completing the workbook an additional stressor." So, I'm following his advice. Some days I don't do the exercises in the workbook because I don't have time. The one thing I have done every day is to listen to the meditation CD. I start my day by listening to a track on the CD. Usually, I meditate 2-3 times a day. My goal was 4 times a day but, I have yet to do this and I don't want to stress myself out trying to complete this. So, I think 3 times a day is realistic and if I don't complete that goal every day it's no big deal.
The main things I've been focusing on are meditating, workbook exercises, self dialogue/talking to myself(which I think is huge for me), physical activity(hiking, exercising, volunteering, going to work, socializing, etc.). Some little things I do: on my computer desktop I have a post it note app and I have positive things to remind myself about. Example: "I will be free from TMS/MBS symptoms by taking action." "I will change what I do today to get a different result for tomorrow." "I have MBS/TMS and I will heal myself." Every time I open my computer there are these positive messages staring me in the face. I have no choice but, to read them every time I use my computer. My mind absorbs these positive messages and I find myself remembering them throughout the day. I constantly say positive things to myself throughout the day. I try to recognize the negative thoughts in my head and immediately accept this and try to turn it into a positive. It's not easy but, I'm starting to catch on to how this works.
I've always had this negative dialogue that runs in my head. My therapist and I call it my "confrontation scripts." Throughout the day and especially when I'm tired, these confrontation scripts run in my head. Usually, they're about made up confrontations that I have with different people. It could be a co-worker, family member, friend, or anyone I encounter during the day. For example: During the day while I'm working a made up confrontation will suddenly appear in my mind. It could be something made up like a co-worker pointing out something I did wrong and me cussing out this co-worker. The script could last a couple seconds to several seconds. I have these thoughts multiple times throughout the day. I've learned these confrontation scripts are usually from my inner child. The inner child is usually showing anger and rage about this confrontation. This made up confrontation has been causing me tension and I believe pain throughout my body and mind. So, Schubiner's workbook says to recognize when the inner child is talking, accept it, and let go of it. So, I say to myself and my inner child: "this is a confrontation script, it's ok, I understand, relax, calm down, chill, I'm in control, I'll decide how to deal with this, don't repress emotions, don't convert into physical pain." I feel like this is working and I'm on the right track here. It's amazing how many times during the day my mind comes up with these confrontation scripts. No wonder my body was in pain. I was making up stories and causing myself pain. It's amazing how the mind works.
I continue to increase my physical activity. I either hike or workout almost every day and I think this is very important to overcome my pain. I volunteer at an animal shelter once a week. Basically, I try to get out of my house more and do more.
Most of my pain is still from my biggest stressor and where I have most of my triggers which is at work. But, I feel so much better at the end of the day. My pain is not as severe and not as frequent. At times I can talk to my pain and make it go away or reduce it. My pain still moves around some and I just laugh because I know what's happening.
I sometimes get frustrated because the pain hasn't been eliminated. But, I try to remind myself that it may take a while. I've had this for years and it may not go away immediately....but, if it wants to that's ok too. Today, I was having some lower back pain. I told myself I was going to work out anyways. Walking on the treadmill is one of my triggers but, I said, "Screw it, I don't care if my lower back hurts. I'm exercising on that freaking treadmill." I did a lot of self talk during my workout. Saying things like: "this does not cause TMS/MBS pain, my back is strong, my back is healthy, stop causing TMS/MBS symptoms immediately, etc." After my workout, my back felt better. I still had some pain but, better.
So, in conclusion, I feel better. I'm still improving. I'm not 100% but, I feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I feel like this is the answer for me and it's just a matter of time before I reach my goal of being 100% pain free. I feel better about myself mentally and physically. It just feels like my life is coming together and the pieces of the puzzle are falling into place for me. I'm on the road to recovery and I know I'll get there soon. In the mean time, I'm enjoying the ride and all the new things I'm learning about myself.
However, I know I'm still improving every day. I'm getting closer and closer to 100% and I know it's a matter of time before I get there. I'm confident I will reach 100% pain free. I wish I was one of those that read Dr. Sarno's book and was immediately healed but, I know I still have some work to do in my head. That's ok.
I'm still working through Dr. Schubiner's workbook. He says, "Take your time with this and don't make completing the workbook an additional stressor." So, I'm following his advice. Some days I don't do the exercises in the workbook because I don't have time. The one thing I have done every day is to listen to the meditation CD. I start my day by listening to a track on the CD. Usually, I meditate 2-3 times a day. My goal was 4 times a day but, I have yet to do this and I don't want to stress myself out trying to complete this. So, I think 3 times a day is realistic and if I don't complete that goal every day it's no big deal.
The main things I've been focusing on are meditating, workbook exercises, self dialogue/talking to myself(which I think is huge for me), physical activity(hiking, exercising, volunteering, going to work, socializing, etc.). Some little things I do: on my computer desktop I have a post it note app and I have positive things to remind myself about. Example: "I will be free from TMS/MBS symptoms by taking action." "I will change what I do today to get a different result for tomorrow." "I have MBS/TMS and I will heal myself." Every time I open my computer there are these positive messages staring me in the face. I have no choice but, to read them every time I use my computer. My mind absorbs these positive messages and I find myself remembering them throughout the day. I constantly say positive things to myself throughout the day. I try to recognize the negative thoughts in my head and immediately accept this and try to turn it into a positive. It's not easy but, I'm starting to catch on to how this works.
I've always had this negative dialogue that runs in my head. My therapist and I call it my "confrontation scripts." Throughout the day and especially when I'm tired, these confrontation scripts run in my head. Usually, they're about made up confrontations that I have with different people. It could be a co-worker, family member, friend, or anyone I encounter during the day. For example: During the day while I'm working a made up confrontation will suddenly appear in my mind. It could be something made up like a co-worker pointing out something I did wrong and me cussing out this co-worker. The script could last a couple seconds to several seconds. I have these thoughts multiple times throughout the day. I've learned these confrontation scripts are usually from my inner child. The inner child is usually showing anger and rage about this confrontation. This made up confrontation has been causing me tension and I believe pain throughout my body and mind. So, Schubiner's workbook says to recognize when the inner child is talking, accept it, and let go of it. So, I say to myself and my inner child: "this is a confrontation script, it's ok, I understand, relax, calm down, chill, I'm in control, I'll decide how to deal with this, don't repress emotions, don't convert into physical pain." I feel like this is working and I'm on the right track here. It's amazing how many times during the day my mind comes up with these confrontation scripts. No wonder my body was in pain. I was making up stories and causing myself pain. It's amazing how the mind works.
I continue to increase my physical activity. I either hike or workout almost every day and I think this is very important to overcome my pain. I volunteer at an animal shelter once a week. Basically, I try to get out of my house more and do more.
Most of my pain is still from my biggest stressor and where I have most of my triggers which is at work. But, I feel so much better at the end of the day. My pain is not as severe and not as frequent. At times I can talk to my pain and make it go away or reduce it. My pain still moves around some and I just laugh because I know what's happening.
I sometimes get frustrated because the pain hasn't been eliminated. But, I try to remind myself that it may take a while. I've had this for years and it may not go away immediately....but, if it wants to that's ok too. Today, I was having some lower back pain. I told myself I was going to work out anyways. Walking on the treadmill is one of my triggers but, I said, "Screw it, I don't care if my lower back hurts. I'm exercising on that freaking treadmill." I did a lot of self talk during my workout. Saying things like: "this does not cause TMS/MBS pain, my back is strong, my back is healthy, stop causing TMS/MBS symptoms immediately, etc." After my workout, my back felt better. I still had some pain but, better.
So, in conclusion, I feel better. I'm still improving. I'm not 100% but, I feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I feel like this is the answer for me and it's just a matter of time before I reach my goal of being 100% pain free. I feel better about myself mentally and physically. It just feels like my life is coming together and the pieces of the puzzle are falling into place for me. I'm on the road to recovery and I know I'll get there soon. In the mean time, I'm enjoying the ride and all the new things I'm learning about myself.
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